Godlike Robert Boanerges (piers_styx) wrote in the_hurrikane,
Godlike Robert Boanerges

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Fear And Loathing.....

An outlet and view into my soul.....

So i have been struggleing alot here as of late. With my sexual desires. Is that normal? I suppose. It is just hard for me. I have always had control over this part of myself. Now I am danceing around the edges of right and wrong. Near the line, and in someinstances I have gone over the line. Something I should not do. I have little control now for these things.When I find weaknesses like this I try to purge myself of them. I can't do that withthis one. Maybe that is because sexual passion, and desire, and lust, are so ingrained into each of us that it is literlally a part of us. It is hard for me to accept this in one way. In another way it makes perfect sense, you know. It isn't that these feelings and desires are in nature evil, it is just the timing of the actions and such, although some will always remain wrong, I do believe. When you are married, well that is one thing, when single, that is wrong. Or to me it is. I am just a hypocrite though because I am fallling to the same problems I condemn. It is a long hard fall from Grace that this can lead to.And it seems to be the biggest problem I have and the biggest struggle face. I try once more to resist all those things that come to lay me by the wayside. I am shameful and disgusted with myself. I loathe it, I loathe myself. God help me.

Also, have any of you thought of loseing the one you love? Worse, have any of you been sure you will? I know I will. I want Emily and i to be together forever. But we cannot. The time is coming and looms in the future that she and I must part ways for the rest of our lives. Why? I cannot marry her. I cannot go to the House of The Lord, The Temple, and have a Temple Marriage with her. I can not be sealed with her for Time and all Eternity. She has said she will be Lutheran all her life. I will not raise my family and children to anything less than the truth and fullness of the gospel. I will not deny them the saving ordinaces of the Church. This is simple fact. So for my future children I cannot marry her. Do you know what torture it is to know that you are united with the one you love in all things except Faith? That this will tear you asunder, rip you away from one another? It is horrible and cruel. I pray it otherwise, but face the future with grim possibility. She is left to choose on her own, God will not force her.To choose anything less than conversion is to lose us. That is something that makes me fear and tremble. It is a worm eating away at my soul to know she and I will not ultimately be together. Still I will be with her as long as possible. I love her. More than anything upon this Earth. But what will tear us apart is greater than this Earth. It is this way. "I come to a fork in the road...." says Robert Frost. maybe she will, like him"choose the one less taken, and that has made all the differance." I hope for the best, prepare for the worse, and surrender this to God. His will be done. This is Hell. Do you know what it is like?I WILL LOSE HER!!!! Damn it I wish I could cry....

If Not for Love....
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